As much as I like having a say in the Fatosphere, I don’t think I cant handle it at this particular moment in time. Does that make me less of an activist? Probably. My plunge headfirst into the Fatosphere should have come more as a wade into it. Not saying plunging doesn’t work for everyone, but in my personality case, it didn’t quite come out well. I’m a creature run my emotions, and combined with my habit of talking first, thinking later, it’s not exactly a good combination. I’m still very young, and I don’t think I even have concrete beliefs and to a certain degree, I feel like I need to get away from here a bit in order to decide things on my own. I need to work out what it is that I really think, and why I think it before I can go around telling everyone about it.

So, as I said, I’ll be around, just maybe not as much as I was. I sometimes feel like I just need more experience, do more reading, learn more, solidify things in my brain, instead of kinda making as ass of myself in comments on other blogs, which is what I often feel like I end up doing. Not gone forever, but I am gone indefinitely.

If any of you have found me through UnFat Blog, I kindly direct you towards the door, and don’t let it hit you in the arse on your way out. I will not tolerate your fuckery, and as such, I am going to be verrrrrry careful with my comment monitoring in the next few days. If I don’t know who you are, I’m not going to publish your comment, simple as that. If you don’t like it, that’s too bad, I will NOT allow trolls free reign over my blog, so if you’ve never commented here before, and you’re legit; sorry, but I’m not taking my chances. Sarah at Big Fat Dynamo already had to put Halo Scan in her comments to vet the trolls, and I really don’t want to have to do that on my blog, as well.

EDIT: Hm. Well actually, I amend my previous statement. I’ll set some ground rules. If you folks come in here being asshats, don’t expect your comments to be published. Asshatery is not something I look upon kindly. But, if you come nicely, I’ll publish your comments, but your IP will be in perma-moderation, in case you decide to get trollish. I think it’s a fair trade, don’t you?

I had a bit of a breakdown tonight. It basically involved me, dissolving into gasping, wracking sobs (the women in my family are not pretty criers), and trying to muffle them because everyone else was sleeping.

What triggered this, you ask?

A picture of myself and a friend, from a few years ago.

Even though I like to -think- I accept myself the way that I am right now, it’s because I try my hardest not to think about what I used to look like. Let me put things in perspective. I have gained 100+ pounds in 5 years. I have NEVER been skinny, but I used to not be as fat as I am now. And as much as I try to not let it bother me, I’m still gaining weight. And it DOES bother me. I hate having to buy new clothes all the time, because my old ones don’t fit me. I know there’s a reason (I have PCOS, and I haven’t been treating it, and I’m a compulsive eater), but it makes me feel disgusted with myself. I get that we’re all prone to bad body days, but does it have to feel so heart-wrenching? Like, I can’t believe that I used to be so much smaller than I am now? And part of me wonders why I can’t be that way again. I want this love/hate relationship with my body to be all love, and no hate, but I wonder, can I really banish the hate forever? Bad days happen to the best of us, so I almost think this would be impossible, but man, if only. If only I could just look at an old photo, and think, “well I looked good then, but damn, I still look good now”. But it feels like it just can’t be so (yet, anyway). I know it takes time to build up the sort of body-confidence that many have, but I almost feel like I don’t have time. I feel as though I need it NOW, and no later.

I don not consider myself conservative (anymore). But nor do I consider myself liberal, by any stretch. So it leaves me wondering, where do I fit in? I see Lindsay, of Babble Bits, discuss this same feeling of not totally fitting into the communities one places oneself in. And I have to say, I feel like that a lot. I don’t fit here. I don’t fit into sci-fi communities because I don’t like it enough, I don’t fit into cosplay communities because I don’t actually cosplay, I don’t fit into anime communities because I don’t watch every single popular anime that comes out, I don’t fit into my Christian group at OSU because I don’t quite believe enough, so it leaves me to wonder, where the hell do I fit in, in the long run? Is there a place for someone who casually partakes in a bit of everything, but never really devotes serious time to a hobby/interest/whatever in particular? And is there ONE place here which is actually a safe place, where opinions I happen to hold won’t earn behind the hand snerks because it is not the opinion of the many? I certainly hope so, because right now, I’m on the cusp of just saying, fugthefatosphere, and just go on my merry way, practicing FA in my life, but not having a whole community to commiserate with. But since I can’t yet fathom leaving here, I’ll just say this.

You do not speak for me. You have not spoken for me ever since I came to the fatosphere, and you do not speak for me now, despite the amount of admirers you have. You have the right to say what you want on your space, just as I have the right to say what I want on mine, but I am just getting it out there, that there actually ARE fat acceptance advocates who do not worship the ground you walk on. And it’s for the better, as a community with a wide range of opinions is a more learned community. (Which is why I must say, I really enjoy the Fat Liberation feed a lot more, even though it is smaller, because I feel that the range of opinions is twice as large as those in the Fatosphere, despite the massiveness of the fatosphere itself).

You may think I’m trying to stir shit. But I’m not. I’m writing an expression of selfhood, and in my own way, standing up for myself, which is something I don’t do nearly often enough. So love me, hate me, think what you will. This is my statement.

http://integgy.livejournal.com/

1) “There is no news. There is only the truth of the signal. What I see. And, there’s the puppet theater the Parliament jesters foist on the somnambulant public.” Mrs.Millur and nuckingfutz both got this one! Even though Mrs.Millur got it first, nuckingfutz wouldn’t have seen the post, since I had to approve them. It’s from Serenity, the movie based on the Firefly series. <3

2) “Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.” Correctly answered as Rocky Horror Picture show, by goodbyemyboy!

3) “She is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.” Gotten by Sarah, of BFDynamo! (It’s from the 6-hour, A&E Pride and Prejudice miniseries. Oh yes, I’m so cool. )

4) “Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who squandered half of his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.” Mrs.Millur gets this one again! It’s Ten Things I Hate About You, which is up there at the top of my favorite movies list. <3

5) “I’m gonna get out of the car and drop you like third period French.” Ducky’s got this one! It’s from Ocean’s Eleven.

6) “There’s no Christmas in the Army!”

7) “The prettiest sight in this fine pretty world is the privileged class enjoying its privileges.” It’s The Philadelphia Story! Starring Katharine Hepburn (<3), and Jimmy Stewart. Congrats to Weightless One!

“See, I’m a man of simple tastes. I like dynamite…and gunpowder…and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They’re cheap!” This one identified by PaleAndNerdy, as the new batman movie, The Dark Knight.

9) “It is YOUR LUCKY DAY… to be baptized into the Greek Orthodox Church!” Congrats to Bee, for guessing My Big Fat Greek Wedding!

10) “Its called an easy-out-clause because its supposed to be EASY”

11) “At last! My arm is complete again!” Bee nails another one, with Sweeny Todd!

12) “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” And another correct guess by goodbyemyboy.

13) “Oh! What a cute little chair. Why, there’s seven little chairs. Must be seven little children. And from the look of this table, seven untidy little children.” This one goes to nuckingfutz, for Snow White, which was the very first movie I ever saw in theaters.

14) “Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn’t lurk in doorways. It’s rude. One might question your upbringing.” It’s The Little Mermaid! Congrats to 32-P!

15) “Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.” Pet~, and Fat Angie tie it up with Pirates of the Carribean! (Curse of the Black Pearl).

And there we have it. Happy guessing.

*she’s working on trying to help promote and publicize this scholarship book that the mother of one of her former bosses wrote (man, that’s a mouthful).