When Self-Acceptance Gets Hard.
Disclaimer: This post may be triggering, so read at your own risk.
I had a bit of a breakdown tonight. It basically involved me, dissolving into gasping, wracking sobs (the women in my family are not pretty criers), and trying to muffle them because everyone else was sleeping.
What triggered this, you ask?
A picture of myself and a friend, from a few years ago.
Even though I like to -think- I accept myself the way that I am right now, it’s because I try my hardest not to think about what I used to look like. Let me put things in perspective. I have gained 100+ pounds in 5 years. I have NEVER been skinny, but I used to not be as fat as I am now. And as much as I try to not let it bother me, I’m still gaining weight. And it DOES bother me. I hate having to buy new clothes all the time, because my old ones don’t fit me. I know there’s a reason (I have PCOS, and I haven’t been treating it, and I’m a compulsive eater), but it makes me feel disgusted with myself. I get that we’re all prone to bad body days, but does it have to feel so heart-wrenching? Like, I can’t believe that I used to be so much smaller than I am now? And part of me wonders why I can’t be that way again. I want this love/hate relationship with my body to be all love, and no hate, but I wonder, can I really banish the hate forever? Bad days happen to the best of us, so I almost think this would be impossible, but man, if only. If only I could just look at an old photo, and think, “well I looked good then, but damn, I still look good now”. But it feels like it just can’t be so (yet, anyway). I know it takes time to build up the sort of body-confidence that many have, but I almost feel like I don’t have time. I feel as though I need it NOW, and no later.
Sarah said,
August 26, 2008 at 2:12 am
I STILL hate photos of myself. Bad days happen to everybody, big or small. I believe fat women are taught to hate themselves, and I still have some of that thought programming stuck inside my head. But I am actively working to get rid of it. It’s a long, hard process. Keep working on your self-worth!
Diana said,
August 26, 2008 at 6:11 am
Thanks for this post. I’ve always been bothered by the way FA bloggers never seem to write about the hard times they have with self-acceptance.
Oh, and since I think this is my first comment on your blog–I’ve been reading it for a few months and it’s great to see more younger people in the fatosphere. I’m only a few years out of college myself and I remember how hard self-acceptance of any kind was back then. It’s gotten a little easier. I try to keep in mind that this is a process.
nuckingfutz said,
August 26, 2008 at 7:50 am
{{{HUG}}}
Accepting yourself is hard. Honestly, I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Even being a mother to a disabled child seems like a piece of cake (pun not intended, but ha!) compared to accepting myself.
And I still have similar days to what you described. Even though I still weigh the same as I did before children, my body is all stretched out and warped from carrying those children, and there are days when I wish I hadn’t had them simply because of what they did to my body. (This is why the “muffin top” comments over at Fats bother me so much.)
But yes, I think you CAN get to the point where your love/hate relationship with your body is almost all love. The problem is that we want to be able to flip a switch and just have it automatically. And it just doesn’t work that way. But honey, I SO understand where you’re coming from, even if I don’t have PCOS or am gaining weight or any of that other stuff. Those feelings are universal, I think, regardless of the causes behind them.
You’re wonderful. You’re beautiful. You’d be wonderful and beautiful whether you weighed 100 pounds or 500 pounds.
Reread that paragraph. Over and over and OVER again, if needs be. I know it, and you know it, you just need to be REMINDED of it every now and again.
Bee said,
August 26, 2008 at 9:30 am
Oh my. Why is it always the loveliest, smartest, most kind-hearted and most beautiful people who doubt themselves the most? I wish I was there to give you a BIG bear hug!
What tends to help me during my low self-esteem days is thinking of my body as a tool. Nothing more, nothing less. Not a reflection of who I am but rather a medium enabling me to achieve things, fulfill my wishes, live my life and enjoy it.
P.S. Between the ages of 19 and 20, my weight more than doubled. I knew it was a good thing, I was healthier than before, but I basically felt like giving up on life. But here I am today, still babbling incoherently about things I know next to nothing about
integgy said,
August 26, 2008 at 10:27 am
Thank you, everyone for the outpouring of love and assuredness you’ve left me. I always somewhat regret writing posts in the heat of the moment, because I’m never sure what kinds of responses I’ll get on said posts, but at the end of the day, I’m glad that I have support from such wonderful people.Because seriously, YOU guys are the ones that make me excited to check the feeds every day, and help me further my journey to self-acceptance, even when I hit speedbumps, like I did last night. I love you guys so much. /end sappy post
goodbyemyboy said,
August 26, 2008 at 8:21 pm
*hugs*
Usually when I look back at photos of myself from a few years ago, I get all weirded out at how disturbingly thin I look. On the other hand, when I look at recent photos of myself, I’m struck at how much fatter I look than I feel.
Honestly, telling yourself that you accept your body how it is is the first step towards really accepting your body how it is.