Disclaimer: This post may be triggering, so read at your own risk.
I had a bit of a breakdown tonight. It basically involved me, dissolving into gasping, wracking sobs (the women in my family are not pretty criers), and trying to muffle them because everyone else was sleeping.
What triggered this, you ask?
A picture of myself and a friend, from a few years ago.
Even though I like to -think- I accept myself the way that I am right now, it’s because I try my hardest not to think about what I used to look like. Let me put things in perspective. I have gained 100+ pounds in 5 years. I have NEVER been skinny, but I used to not be as fat as I am now. And as much as I try to not let it bother me, I’m still gaining weight. And it DOES bother me. I hate having to buy new clothes all the time, because my old ones don’t fit me. I know there’s a reason (I have PCOS, and I haven’t been treating it, and I’m a compulsive eater), but it makes me feel disgusted with myself. I get that we’re all prone to bad body days, but does it have to feel so heart-wrenching? Like, I can’t believe that I used to be so much smaller than I am now? And part of me wonders why I can’t be that way again. I want this love/hate relationship with my body to be all love, and no hate, but I wonder, can I really banish the hate forever? Bad days happen to the best of us, so I almost think this would be impossible, but man, if only. If only I could just look at an old photo, and think, “well I looked good then, but damn, I still look good now”. But it feels like it just can’t be so (yet, anyway). I know it takes time to build up the sort of body-confidence that many have, but I almost feel like I don’t have time. I feel as though I need it NOW, and no later.