Here it Goes Again
I lied. I’m not taking a hiatus. I can’t seem to stop myself from posting. It’s like having a blog gives me license to spill my personal life into the world, and do it in a way that people might read, but the likelihood of my ever meeting said people is very, very rare. Anyhow, on to the point of this particular entry.
I am embarking on a romantic relationship. I wish I could say I was treading in new waters, but alas, I’m treading in a very familiar pond. Dating an on-again, off-again flame, since we both kind of left things unsettled after the last breakup, and we both still have feelings for each other. Will it go anywhere? Only time will tell, but in all honesty, being in a relationship scares me. Always has, and I think it’s possible that it always will. I’ve decided to tell him that we will date, but things start from scratch, and we start as friends who like each other. I don’t think it’s fair to promise to any sort of commitment (fair for either of us), since at this point in my life, I don’t even know whether I’m attracted to men, women, or both. So it’s going to remain casual, and develop or flounder.
Here’s where my biggest issue comes into play though:
While I know I still have feelings for him, I’m almost afraid that the reason I’m willing to try at this relationship again is the fear that I won’t ever find someone who is attracted to me for me. Not to mention my issues with saying “no” (which deserve a whole post of their own, they really do). I know that possibly, someday, there will be someone else out there who loves me no matter what size and shape I am, but I can’t keep myself from thinking, “What if there really isn’t someone out there for me? What is this one relationship is all I have? I don’t conform to the standards of pretty, I don’t have a particularly great personality, so what is there for anyone to want?”
So, dear readers, this is where I pose a question: Should I make the most of it, despite my insecurities, should I just test the waters with him, like I’m planning to, or should I just give up on this whole idea of rekindling an old flame? (Or, if you need more information to solve this equation, feel free to pose me a question.)
Bee said,
June 16, 2008 at 10:25 am
I definitely think you should try again – carefully, of course – and try to figure things out as you go. Insecurities, issues and uncertainties don’t usually just disappear on their own without you having to go through all sorts of key learning experiences.
And, FWIW, some part of me sometimes wonders if D. really is the love of my life or if I’m settling for second best because I believe that no-one else would tolerate (and, oftentimes, challenge) my food neuroses like he does… But I hope it’s just my EDs talking, not my heart.
integgy said,
June 16, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Thank you for your input, Bee. I had actually been thinking about it a lot since posting that last night, and while I’m not going to completely close up the option of us renewing our relationship, there is still a big part of me that feels I’m not emotionally mature enough for a romantic relationship. So, friends for now, and if it evolves, it evolves. One of the things I always regretted about how we began dating is that there wasn’t really a slow build, it was just sort of me hitting him with the “I’m attracted to you” truck (we’ve been friend for about 5 years, but I when I say this, I mean that there wasn’t really flirting and such it just happened), after attempting to waylay my attraction to him by setting him up with other friends.
Again, with my long-windedness, it means I’m not going to actively try to get back into a romantic relationship with him, but I’m not going to discount the possibility of it occurring, either.
Bee said,
June 17, 2008 at 4:07 am
Sounds like a pretty awesome plan to me (not that my opinion matters, or anything)
integgy said,
June 17, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I’m totally sorry that I posed a question and then solved it in my head on my own. I have a really bad habit of doing that, and it tends to piss folks off. >.<
Bee said,
June 18, 2008 at 4:50 am
No-one’s pissed off so no need to be sorry